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I Went Up Into Texas

from Sunday, July20th of the year2008.

In my adult life, I have now been to Texas twice. The first was a last-minute impulse ticket purchase to visit my friend C—’s parents in Houston, see her play with the Houston Ballet, and go to the Art Car Parade. belt4402_bb_texasstate.jpgThis time, it was a really last-minute impulse ticket purchase as an excuse to sit in an air conditioned room and write a piece for these twins. B— was down here attending this conference, which was predictably intense. Like a New Music concert, there were a lot of people with walking problems at this event. There were also a lot of Mutterers to Selves, Sighers To Selves While Blogging, etc.

Something I wish I had time to deal with: making leftie people stop using the word “folks” and the phrase “ordinary folks.” Just fuckin’ stop saying it. It’s horrifying, blood curdling, smarmý, and disingenuous. 431px-volkssturm_poster.JPGCheck out this from MoveOn.org: “And in fact, MoveOn.org Political Action is mostly funded by people who give less than $100 – folks who don’t have a lot of money but want to see a change.” Stoppit. Every single event at this conference had descriptions like, “Mother Jones Readers Caucus: Connect with like-minded folks and talk with others from your community in our identity, issue and regional caucuses.” Is it just me who sees that word and thinks immediately of the Volkssturm? In any event, what it’s meant to do is remove the possible taint of elitism from left-wing politics, which is fundamentally a good goal, but I wish it didn’t have to happen like a Chinese water torture to words and their meanings.

[An aside: in running around Wikipedia this morning, I discovered this totally fascinating entry that I had been wondering about since I was a kid: It has survived in the English word Dutch, the German words deutsch and Deutschland, the Dutch words Diets and Duits, the Yiddish word taytsh, the Danish word tysk, the Swedish word tyska, the Icelandic word þjóð "people, nation" and the modern Italian word tedesco "German". I also found this kind of amazingly edited Wikipedia page on the region "Chhachh" in Punjab. I was actually looking for a recipe for Chhach, which is like buttermilk, but then I typed in an extra h. Scroll down. Also this.]

In my awkward attempts to make friends with these bloggers, I mentioned casually to one of them (who seemed to have a fancy job for a Big Girl newspaper) that I really liked Stanley Fish’s blog at the Times. He was like, “Who’s that.” Now, am I crazy? Do I only know him because he’s from Rhode Island, and Rhode Island is famous for Him? (If anybody dares brave it, Mandy Patinkin has recorded a really scary version of that song with a really out of control arrangement featuring a very out-of-place violin ricochet on the lyric, “Cotton comes from Louisiana.”) Okay but back to Stanley Fish. Don’t you gotta know who he is? I would recommend that everybody either buy or Google Fondle his essay “Speaking in Code” because it seems to me like he figured out a whole bunch of really useful things in 1994. Gonna talk to me about who’s stanley fish. (Muttering to self)

Gee Pee Ess

from Monday, July14th of the year2008.

This morning, I turned on the GPS as I was coming down the five floors of parking garage and told it to please head towards the airport, to the rental lot (a pre-saved location in its little mind). As I drove in circles, the GPS was continuously recalculating its position based on where it thought I was: “Go straight to ninth street. Recalculating. Go straight to eighth street. Recalculating. Go straight to ninth street. Recalculating. Go straight to eighth street. Recalculating.” The rhythm of her voice combined with my dizziness was pretty spectacular, and I entered a sort of trance state where I was spinning in circles, and a computer was trying to orient my spinning on its own homewards itinerary. Isn’t this an inversion of what computers are meant to be? Capital-I: figure out the itinerary, the curves, the nuanced slug-shaped information flow, and the computers spin merrily in circles as I guide myself home?

All in all, L.A. has been really fun, actually. The Hollywood Bowl is my homegirl, and seeing Carmen last night was great. They had slightly shortened it, which I must say I didn’t even notice. Jessica Rivera, for whom I am writing a song cycle, sang Micaëla, which is normally a small role, but she OWNED it. We were sitting next to some really serious opera queens who were, like, screaming “git it!” and “brava/i/o/e” before the reverb had even faded. I fear an opera queen, I have to tell you, but I’m sort of excited to see what they will make of my efforts in the genre; they are the bread and butter of the audiences for opera, which I wish people would write more about in the press. Yes, it’s old white people, but it’s old, gay, intensely educated about opera white people. In New Music, you see, we have Crazy People who, like, pack a lunch to come to an evening concert and unwrap it loudly (an Icelandic friend of mine came with me to the Bang on a Can Marathon and quite correctly observed: “There are a lot of people with walking problems here!”) – New Music is sort of like the Bus Station of the classical music spectrum, for better and for worse. We are talking tuna fish sammich eaty high quality CD player talky khaki pant with relish stain weary crazy here. Opera Fans, on the other hand, are a whole other conversation. Check out the comments on some of these entries.

I have been listening to this one particular track from the new Sigur Rós album called Inní Mér Syngur Vitleysingur. It has one of my favorite tricks in the world which is two different rhyming schemes, in this case, weak rhymes across the lines, followed by tight, single line rhymes. Check out the lyrics for the first verse, and listen along:


Sigur Rós Inní Mér Syngur Vitleysingur from Með Suð í Eyrum við Spilum Endalaust

Á silfur-á
Lýsir allan heiminn og augun blá
Skera stjörnuhiminn
Ég óska mér og loka nú augunum
Já, gerðu það, nú rætist það
Ó nei

Then, the chorus, which has the most delicious tight rhymes:

Minn besti vinur hverju sem dynur
Ég kyngi tári og anda hári
Illum látum, í faðmi grátum
Þegar að við hittumst
Þegar að við kyssumst
Varirnar brenndu, höldumst í hendur
Ég sé þig vakinn
Ég sé þig nakinn
Inní mér syngur vitleysingur
Alltaf þið vaða, við hlaupum hraðar
Allt verður smærra
Ég öskra hærra
Er er við aða, í burtu fara

Then, you get some of the same lines repeated, but this time on different cycles of the chord, so it’s slightly reorganized:

Minn besti vinur hverju sem dynur
Illum látum, í faðmi grátum
Ég kyngi tári og anda hári
Þegar að við hittumst
Þegar að við kyssumst
Varirnar brenndu, höldumst í hendur
Ég sé þig vakinn
Ég sé þig nakinn
Inní mér syngur vitleysingur

There are about sixteen million things that work really well about this. I am particularly excited about the grammatical implications: in Icelandic, grammatically similar parts rhyme well with each other, so, in the third line, “tears” and “hair” rhyme because in the first instance they are being swallowed (að kyngja) and in the second blown up on (að anda). When I was listening to them play it in New York last month, I was struck by something: it’s totally the Same Scheme as that “For the instruments are by their rhimes” section from Benjamin Britten’s Rejoice in the Lamb! Check it out. The text is from Christopher Smart’s poem of something like the same name, Jubilate Agno:


Benjamin Britten Rejoice in the Lamb (excerpt)
Choir of King’s College, Cambridge
Stephen Cleobury
I think this is from my old Argo recording, has this been re-ish?

For the instruments are by their rhimes,
For the shawm rhimes are lawn fawn and the like.
For the shawm rhimes are moon boon and the like.
For the harp rhimes are sing ring and the like.
For the harp rhimes are ring string and the like.
For the cymbal rhimes are bell well and the like.
For the cymbal rhimes are toll soul and the like.
For the flute rhimes are tooth youth and the like.
For the flute rhimes are suit mute and the like.
For the bassoon rhimes are pass class and the like.
For the dulcimer rhimes are grace place and the like.
For the clarinet rhimes are clean seen and the like.
For the trumpet rhimes are sound bound and the like.

For the trumpet of God is a blessed intelligence
And so are all the instruments in Heav’n.
For God the Father Almighty plays upon the harp
Of stupendous magnitude and melody.
For at that time malignity ceases
And the devils themselves are at peace.
For this time is perceptible to man
By a remarkable stillness and serenity of soul.

Britten’s is the emotional reverse of the Sigur Rós, where the hysteria comes before the gentler, doughy rhymes. The two examples here, though, have more in common: harmonically, both take advantage of a reverse pedal point, which is to say, keeping a note constant in the treble while the bass moves around. In both cases, the trebles (Jónsi) agitate the fifth scale degree of the chord. Check it out on “…for at that time malignity ceases” (my emphases) or on “minn besti vinur / hverjum sem dynur” (”my best friend / whatever comes to pass”). An aside: when I first started paying attention to stuff, I used to sit at the piano and play the chords on the line “and the devils themselves are at peace” over and over and over.

I have decided also that attempting translations of Icelandic is a good way to get better at it. Now that Sigur Rós are using 4-real bygg-gurl lyrics it’s gotten a lot easier, let me tell you. Like Steve Reich, whenever Ice people get really pumped about something, they go into primal scream makeup language time, like that moment in the Desert Music where Reich is like, “The mind is listening dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee,” which I think is the crotchety minimalist way of either listening to the Light Within or putting your fingers in your ears and singing the national anþemn. Beej does it too, in that song “Modern Things,” where she’s making total sense, talking about dinosaurs, and then all of a sudden she just sets it out when the beat comes in. Anyway, I am really into how audible the lyrics in the Sigur Rós song are, too. Check out a really quality rolled R on the word “smærra” (”smaller”), too. Ídiþ Píöfsdóttir.

So, in summary:

    LA is not that bad as long as you rent a car with GPS upp inn.
    The new Sigur Rós album is Good.
    Benjamin Britten is also Good.
    I fear an Opera Queen.
    If you’re going to roll an R, set it out for me.

Nudity and WiFi

from Friday, July11th of the year2008.

I’m going to travel again tomorrow – to Los Angeles, and then to London, and I haven’t been updating this space because of frantic preparations for this trip. Whenever I’m frantic, I start forgetting things, or thinking I’ve forgotten something. For instance, the other morning, I thought I had forgotten where I had put my toenail fedex-jersey-overlap-small.gifclippers. While I was showering, I was SURE that I had figured out where they were, and so I rushed out, and over to the window, where I found (a) the toenail clippers and also (b) six eager Chinese toddlers, peeking out over their rooftop at my naked form. Great. Now I can add little Tiffany Fung to the short list of people who have seen me naked (including my old FedEx lady uptown, SORRY, I seriously thought you were somebody else.)

Right now, I am in Los Angeles. I have rented a white two-door mustang, and a GPS system governed by an officious woman who tells me when to do what. Yesterday, she tried to get me to buy a whole lot of grey Carol Christian Poell shirts and then she tried to get me to go to a Starbucks Drive-Thru. Last night, she helped me find the Hollywood Bowl, which is amazing! It’s like Tanglewood for these people! The bowl was lit with a flesh-colored, rosy light, and the whole thing was very supple and inviting. The concert was over-the-top: Saint-Saëns’s’s Organ Symphony, and Berlioz Symphonie Fantastique. Having just come from Actual Tanglewood (as opposed to Paved Tanglewood) where I saw some seventeen hours of Berlioz, I think I’ve had enough for the week.

I wish I understood LA better. I am somewhere, Location A. Miss GPS says that it will take me 20 minutes (or 55 minutes in traffic) to get to my Destination, where I need to be in One Hour’s Time. Should I leave now, and then risk being early? Every meeting I have here comes with nineteen people’s assistants emailing talking about “Guest Parking Spot” and “Validation” and “Lot” and “Pass” and “Security Officer.” How do people keep all of this straight!?

I am in a coffee shop using $25 (!?) WiFi.

Something to think about. When traveling (or sometimes when not) there are a lot of moments where you approach somebody in a position of some sort of authority, say, a hotel clerk. You brandish your paperwork, you give her your last name. She makes a FACE, and it’s this FACE that I want to explore for a second. The FACE is like, “Oh, I don’t think we have your reservation.” Even if it lasts a microsecond, that face is the difference, I think, between Okay Service and Not Okay Service. Seeing that face is completely devastating, especially after complicated travel. I got that face yesterday about seventeen times, attendant to every appointment I had. The worst was, I had been left a ticket to the hollywood bowl, along with the instructions, “Drive up to the security guard, and you might have to fight with them, and tell them that you’ve been left a pass at the stop sign.” Are you crazy? What is this, Lagos? Bribing a security guard!? So stressful. And of course, I roll up in my White Mustang and the Nice Officer wanted nothing to do with me and my window-rolling, “It’s at the stop sign” saying ass. Stressful. I wish there were some kind of secret code-word that indicates, no, it’s alright, I’m meant to be here. Maybe this is just a deep-seated anxiety about access/lack of access.

Just Saying

from Sunday, June29th of the year2008.

Tonight, as I was transferring in the tube, some man gestured to me. I thought he was going to ask for directions, so I took off my headphones. Instead, he slurred, “What’s your mom doing tonight, if you’ve borrowed her dress?” (I was wearing a lab coat, double-breasted, white, gorgeous). I put my headphones on and marched on. Then I got home to my hotel and read this article, about some retarded Anglican conservatives who are talking about something something not wanting to allow gay people something else something else:

Anglican conservatives, frustrated by the continuing stalemate over homosexuality in the Anglican Communion, declared on Sunday that they would defy the church’s historic lines of authority and create a new power bloc within the church led by a council of predominantly African archbishops. [...] They depicted their efforts as the culmination of an anti-colonial struggle against the church’s seat of power in Great Britain, whose missionaries first brought Anglican Christianity to the developing world. The conservatives say many of the descendants of those Anglican missionaries in Britain and North America are now following what they call a “false gospel” that allows a malleable, liberal interpretation of Scripture.

peter-akinola.jpgLOL! I love how they’re talking about how hating on gay people is the culmination of, like, Ethnic Swaraji Politics. I sort of wish Gayatri and shit would drop everything and address this so I don’t have to deal with it on my blog. It is sort of fascinating, of course. The Church of England as a colonial side-dish (or main course, depending on which classes you took in college) rolled into Africa, made everybody Anglican, and all they got were these stupid Anglo Proclivities. It is, legitimately, an interesting argument, because of course, the global south is still, through the remaining colonial religious structures, beholden to the shifting fashions of the Golbal North. They inherited a whole system of beliefs that is rooted not only in Orþódox Christianity from, you know, the time of Christ, but also a whole culture of English Christianity that deeply rolls from the King James Bible to the music sung during services to Sherry in the Chaplain’s Roomz and everything else, including some things that Bishop Akinola is not so fond of. Whatever. She can take it or leave it, as far as I’m concerned. That’s how I approach the church: I take what I like (which is most of it) and the rest of it, I stick my fingers in my ears and sing Spem in Alium. Part of me wants to first address the whole issue of gays in the military before I start harping on African homophobes, because god knows I have other fish to poach, but seriously, I find it so inappropriate.

060301_pygmy_hhmedium.jpgAlso: What even is the Anglican Communion without the gays? Aren’t there other things in Rwanda that require the clergy’s attention? Aren’t there weird pygmy swaraj issues they should be addressing first before h8ing on what I do before and after church? For which, chances are, I have written some beautiful music? (PS, those Pygmies have also written some beautiful music. For my Rwandan readers, next time you want to talk about abomination, why don’t you go figure out what those pygmy polyrhythms are and fax that shit to me, because I still cannot figure it out. Maybe I’m too busy with all that Sodomy or whatever, but it’s a mystery to me and I, as a pledging Anglican, need your help!) What are those bitches doing, running around Africa in they purple robes? What is THEIR mom doing tonight, if they already borrowed her dress?

(My mom, for her part, is probably poaching some fish in a light stock right now. And she borrowed my dress the other week to cook pizza for me, my boyfriend, another homosexual, his dog, and my father, and she looked fierce).

img_0539.JPG

on Pétrouchka

from Sunday, June29th of the year2008.

The Times of London asked me to write a short article about a song that was, for one point, the soundtrack to my life. The result is printed here, or, reprinted below.

The main struggle my teachers had with me was making me learn large-scale structure: you start at the beginning, you undergo a series of controlled transformations, climax, then bring it home to the barn. Stravinsky’s 1911 ballet Pétrouchka, as a narrative, is a fragmented procession of episodes inside a Russian country fair: a perfect vehicle to show off the different stuff that Stravinsky could, as a composer, perfectly execute, all the while resisting traditional (19th-century) structures. Think of a meal that is made up of 16 small dishes, rather than the meat and two veg to which we are all accustomed.

I first bought a CD of Pétrouchka in 1994; and, with it, the cheap and old-fashioned Dover edition of the score. Spotty and awkward, I spent hours on the floor of my parents’ house, obsessively studying the details of each episode. That modal melody a few minutes into the piece is played on cellos, way too high for their normal comfort zone, which is why it sounds like an accordion. The second large part begins with an explicitly flatulent contrabassoon. Sassy? Inappropriate?

I pressed my nose into those orchestrational decisions: a little flourish with English horn, celesta and some bizarre subcommittee of the second violins plucking three notes sent a shiver down my spine. The details of the score seemed more important to me than whatever the overall structure might be.

I listened and ignored the primary melodic material. What’s left is a latticework of patterns, detailed and repetitive, energetic from the distance of 60ft away in a concert hall, but pornographically mesmerising with a score in the hand and the volume knob turned up dangerously high. In my most narcissistic moments, I like to imagine some 14-year-old kid sitting on her floor in Russia, blissing out on the pointillistic bumps and grinds I constructed in a cabin in Vermont.

This isn’t to say that Stravinsky’s orchestration was the only thing that appealed to me; I began learning the piano reduction, which allowed me to prolong my repetitive obsessions. In the Danse Russe of the first tableau, a bassline walks down a fourth, then a fifth — you hear this in Abba, you hear it in Beethoven.

A circular rhythm machine of oboe and bassoon twitters, and the bass comes in again. This time, though, it doesn’t hit the money note, but a terrifying, disorienting, evil f-natural. The oboe doesn’t care, and starts up the food processor again, merrily chirping along. The bassline comes back and plays the “good” note again. It’s a perfect cycle.

Not only does Stravinsky ignore the romantic notion of a small motive blossoming into a whole narrative, his material is already self-contained and self-realised, like the greatest and simplest folk art: the garland, the braid, the wreath, the woodcarving of a serpent devouring its own tail.

For most of my adolescence, I could only think about this kind of music, and it is still the music to which I return with the most familiar kind of relationship. Put on a recording of Pétrouchka and I’ll be there, even rooms away, swaying with the big rhythms and twitching with the small, seeing the notation swirl around my face like a cloud of birds.

Jellied Eel

from Friday, June27th of the year2008.

So, jelliedeels.jpgtonight I ate at a venerable old seafood restaurant in the West End of London. I had Jellied Eels to start, which is something that despite my proclivities, I have never yet eaten before. Various sources report on the phenomenon:

This dish, either delicious or disgusting, depending on your point of view, finds its roots in the muddy Thames estuary, which is a good habitat for eels. They were easy to catch locally, and it was easy to keep them alive in barrels for long enough to bring them to market, so the supply was easier than that of other kinds of fish. They were common, cheap and easily transportable, making them a favourite in the East End. Unlike oysters, which were once a cheap and common sight in the East End, jellied eels haven’t gained a widespread popularity. source

Another somewhat amazing and simultaneously horrifying source reports that:

When David Beckham moved to Real Madrid in 2003, what was it about England he admitted to missing the most? The clothes shops? The hairdressers? No — it was good old jellied eels.

Now, beloved, I will tell you: there is nothing to miss in England about the Clothes Shops. However, check this out from the Guardian:

Brighton fish sellers are reporting a 50% increase in sales and there is anecdotal evidence of people taking them to the opera.

EXCUSE ME? Somebody please source me this information. What is “anecdotal evidence?” Is this somebody calling up the Guardian, talking about, “Ooh, girl, I just seen the Qadaffi opera at the ENO, and this matronly lady next to me, her ass was eating a dish (?) of JELLIED EELZ and it was off the chain. Somebody need to get her a finger bowl up in this motherfucker.”

The moral of the story is that it was delicious. I’m not sure that I really understood the technique unadon.jpgbehind eating them – presumably, you’re meant to fish out the Eel Segment and then put it in your mouth, eating the skin and the flesh, and discarding the central bone? This eel, you see, is not the filet of una-don to which we are all accustomed, but rather, horizontal slices through the body of the entire Eel.

I am particularly excited because yesterday, I ate at my Second Favorite Restaurant on Earth, that being, St John Bread and Wine, the Big Girl St img_0559.JPGJohn being closed for renowations this summer. My friend Thomas and I both agree that these restaurants fill one with such a sense of well-being and goodness that…there is no end to the clause. St John is a whole lifestyle: check out this page for evidence of this. If you don’t get it, it’s probably not for you. Or, barring that, try this page, and see if you begin to experience the pleasuresz.

Anyway, I went with my friend Jaffer, and we ate smoked eels, a delicious plate of brawn (head cheese, but thickly sliced, and cold, unlike the Mario Batali warm and thinslice version available in New York — very satisfying), which is pictured at left, and then we ate what I think is one of the most delicious things I have ever consumed: a veal neck for two. Now, I have eaten every weird pig, uh…ear, back, and crack that there is to eat, but never have I eaten a veal’s neck. It was: unspeakably good. What we are discussing is a huge pile of veal, articulated on the edges by little brackets of burnt fat and flesh, with the central section being a gradient from dark, BBQ-looky pulled pork zones, to light pink babyflesh zones. I didn’t get a chance to photograph it because J— and I consumed it like animals.

A few things about London: My luggage did not get set on fire and sent to Milan, despite the fact that I flew into Terminal 5. I still did have to walk about a mile through slightly more corporate terminals. I gave myself the gift of a full oyster card the last time I was here, as well as a 9/10 full Café Costa Loyalty Card, so I got a free (and miraculously not bitter) coffee this morning, as well as a granola bar which was held together with robin spit or something; it dissolved all over Soho as I ate it. This morning I walked through London’s Chinatown. I was simultaneously bored to tears by how clean and small it was – like, you could fit the whole thing into my building – as well as so happy to hear somebody screaming in Chinese before 8:00 AM. I sense, however, a real dominance of old-school chop suey peking duck lunch special style eating; this is something you see in non-major-city America, but not in a huge capital. I want London to have some deep, dark, messed up Chinatown like in Queens, where you can buy parts of the cuttlefish you wish you had never heard of, plus thousand year egg. Here, the best thing they have is the 18 pound egg they’re trying to get me to sign up for to eat for breakfast tomorrow, served on a bed of organic greens. Zzzzz.

Also: they have a Whole Foods here which is the most expensive thing I have ever even thought about.

Also: I have tired out my brain thinking about how expensive the Whole Foods is here. I am going to watch bootleg episodes of Weeds and pretend it isn’t happening.

In other “culinary” news, you can watch me cook some cauliflower and broccoli rabe and chickpeas for The Fader magazine. I was sort of blindsided because, see, I agreed to cook for them on video, and then they informed me that the interviewer was vegetarian. I’ve had, like, two vegetarians in my house ever, and it hasn’t ever ended well: tears, whimpering, accusations. Is it even called cooking without the sizzle of fat on a griddle? I suppose butter counts, and butter they got! I secretly put so much butter in that broccoli rabe; it was poached in butter. I should have secretly rubbed some sausage up on that, but I had an Compunction (only one, but if you pronounce it with four syllables, it feels more legitimate).

I am holding in my hand a $6 bottle of sparkling water from my room’s minibar. The sun needs to set on the pound ahora mismo or I am going to go bankrupt.

Hungry, Full

from Friday, June20th of the year2008.

While I was in Vermont a few weeks ago (and, strangely, while I was at the Bronx Zoo not a week before that), somebody reminded me that grown people need only eat food the “size of a clenched fist” three times a day in order to stay alive and healthy…or something like that, some rule of thumb. I have been experimenting with what that might mean in my own life; I can’t eat anything resembling the size of my fist in the morning, so, I just attempted to purchase “two fists worth” of food from New Malaysia by my house. I devoured it in about sixteen seconds and now I feel peculiar: two orders of roti canai and some mee goreng (I didn’t finish it in order to maintain the right fisty density).

I am now: full. I’ve been thinking about that word for a while; it has popped up in a bunch of weird ways. Does everybody remember the Taco Bell campaign in which this guy ran around screaming, “I’m full!!!” It was horrifying. As an aside, here is a list of Taco Bell slogans excerpted from Wikipedia. Notice in particular the term “fourthmeal.” Also just to make sure that everybody saw this letter from Taco Bell to 50 Cent asking that he change his nameto “79 Cent.”

Make a run for the border.
Fetch that food! DONG! [imitates bell ringing]
You can munch it! So good!
Taste that food! (*bell sound*)
Change Is Good.
Want some?
Yo quiero [I want] Taco Bell.
Fourthmeal (Term developed to help promote Late Night day part. Fourthmeal is the fourth meal of the day eaten late at night. In other words, any Taco Bell food eaten after dinner and before breakfast.)
Think outside the bun.
You Need Fourthmeal.
I’m Full! (For the Big Bell Value Menu)

bernhard.jpgAnyway, a few weeks ago, a friend described his outfit to me as “Full Bernhard Willhelm.” I like that idea that an outfit, a look, can be “full.” I also am very into the notion of fullness not having (unlike the case of the Taco Bell ads) a connotation of good versus bad; it’s simply full.

In fact, isn’t it bad, physically, to eat until fullness?

When I was in this experimental elementary school in Providence, RI, every morning we had to speak and sign the following pledge: This day has been given to me fresh and clear. I can either use it or throw it away. I promise that I shall use this day to the fullest, realizing that it can never come back again. I realize that this is my life to use or to throw away.

What does that mean, I wonder, a full day? To me, it’s about weird correspondences and vertical alignments in language – the fact that “one fistful of food” appeared on a plaque in the Bronx Zoo (where a friend who also went to the same elementary school was showing me around) and then a few days later, in my mother’s kitchen in Vermont, uttered by an Australian living in Iceland — that, to me, is a Full Experience. before-notebook.jpgTwo nights ago, I had a sort of ecstatic run across the Manhattan Bridge where it had just started to rain and the concrete looked like the cover of a composition notebook. I ran into a friend riding his bike the opposite directions, and there were trains intersecting in the middle of the bridge, and I was listening to a (really sloppy) recording of Steve Reich’s Sextet and everything was very Full.

White Peppair

from Thursday, June12th of the year2008.

Just everybody watch this video of Eric Ripert broiling a piece of red snapper in a toaster oven. He is genius. I have a lemon; we are going to score it. A beautiful piece of red snapper. I wonder if Ripert, like Donatella Versace, has an accent awesome enough to be fully rendered out in interviews. Have you noticed that, there are only a few people whose accents will get rendered out?

I had the best Shuffle day yesterday. On my walk to the studio (which takes about fifteen minutes but was prolonged by a brief trip to the dry cleaners), my iPod decided that I wanted to listen to: Hot Chip And I Was A Boy From School, Ratatat Lex, the last movement of Reich’s Daniel Variations, and my most favorite thing in the world, The-Dream’s Falsetto. Very satisfying.

Did everybody read Frank Bruni’s epic take-down of Ago? The best part:

Then came an entree that perplexed us, a pale slab of meat with one long bone. “What is this?” asked one of my friends. “The special veal chop,” said the food deliverer. “But I ordered rack of lamb,” my friend said. I had heard him. “Yes,” said the deliverer. “That’s rack of lamb.” My friend pressed: which was it? “It’s the special rack-of-lamb veal chop,” the deliverer said, at which point we sought deliverance from him and searched for our frequently vanishing waiter, whom I had come to think of as the bucatini Houdini.

This reminded me of this really intense trope that my ear-training teacher at Juilliard used to obsessively explore. It would go like this:

Mary Anthony Cox: Honey, what is this note?
Hapless Student: Um…b-flat?
Mary Anthony: Are you asking me or telling me?
Hapless Student: Telling you.
Mary Anthony Cox: Tell me the answer then, honey.
Hapless Student: B-flat!
[this would be the wrong answer]
Mary Anthony Cox: Honey, have you ever heard of a cat-dog?
Hapless Student: What?!
Mary Anthony Cox: A cat-dog. Have you ever heard of one?

This was her way of informing you that your answer was somehow conflicting with the real answer; it was also a form of psychological warfare. The first time I didn’t understand her, in my entrance audition, she said to me, “Honey, is English your first language?”

Severe times.

Animal Therapý

from Saturday, June7th of the year2008.

I took a quick run yesterday, during which time I formulated a series of really pithy and excellent things to say about the Bang on a Can Marathon, Hot Chip, Glenn Gould, and Health Insurance. I think I’m going to have to wait, because when I’m not sprinting around in the heat, it all makes less sense. So, while I wait to organize that, some thoughts:

- Daniel Mendelsohn wrote a great piece about Satyagraha at the Met. Check it out here.

- I went to the Bang on a Can Marathon for a few hours. I love the feeling in that space, not particularly the acoustics, but the relaxed, everybody piled onto the steps of the Wintergarden, listening to music, not listening to music, eating nachos, whatever. I am engaging in a new social experiment with all Bang on a Can Events. I have this theory that they, as an institution, know from awesome but to not know from fabulous. I use both terms in their King James Bible sense: the music they present is powerful, muscly, athletic. The music is not otherworldly, mysterious, mystical; its primary gesture is the rut, the frot, the iron fist of socialized thought. It does not concern itself with the insinuation, the unfinished seam, the pining.

That having been said, I was particularly struck by Michael Gordon’s piece, “Every Stop on the F Train,” which, as promised, is a list of all the stops on the F-train repeated in order, repeated and chanted, in canons at the 8th note. All of this was deftly executed by the Young People’s Chorus of New York, but while I was listening to it, I thought to myself: my God, it is entirely possible that Michael Gordon is operating outside of the influence of Britten’s A Ceremony of Carols! I had two sudden thoughts which are: my music, which has very many surface stylistic similarities to the Bang on a Crowd, has a completely different emotional genetic makeup. I would never write music in a canon at the 8th note without fully reverencing Britten; it would feel like serving pâté in my grandmother’s rabbit-shaped terrine without thinking about her.

My second thought was, maybe that’s why I always feel so other at these BOAC things; I’m meant to feel part of the community, which is technically true, but my itinerary is completely different; we are in different parts of the airport, heading to different continents — friends only in the transfers lounge. To a certain extent, their community is one that de facto couldn’t include somebody with my history, tropisms, or musico-erotic itineraries; theirs is rugged, weather-beaten, and Old Testament-seismic, whereas to them, I probably read as effete, ornamental, and most likely more suited for work in the kitchen or nursery than in the fields. I used to feel this acutely as a sort of rejection; now I think I’ve come to terms with it through, strangely, a series of sartorial decisions.

animaltherapy.jpgMy final thought was that maybe Michael Gordon needs some animal therapy; Autistic children are often softened by their relationship with animals; I wonder if I can secretly bridge the gap by always turning up at these BOAC events wearing only the softest fabric and the most unfinished seam? With this in mind, I dressed myself in a satiny pant, and what basically amounted to a white kurta pyjama (albeit a belgian kurta pyjama) on top. We’ll see what happens if I keep this up for a few years! Also, here is the canon from the Ceremony of Carols:


Benjamin Britten
This Little Babe from A Ceremony of Carols
The Sixteen/Harry Christophers
iTunes

- I may need to buy shorts if I’m going to really stay here all summer. Stay tuned.

Media Blackout

from Friday, May30th of the year2008.

So, I am, as I write this, hurtling quickly from Catania to Rome, on a skinny jet; there is a puppy and a baby and many pink striped shirts. I am just on the last leg of what has been, for the first time in my life, two weeks of devoted music time with basically no other distractions. Antony (correctly) realized that he and I would be most productive if we got away from our constantly plugged-in lives in New York and went somewhere neutral, remote, and isolated.

For a week we were in a small farmhouse in the Camargue, in the south of France. The Camargue, I must say, despite having read up on it online before going, really reminded me of Florida — flamingos everywhere, strange tchotchkes for sale, the smell of salt water and odd combinations of tomato and anchovy (actually, that last part is less true of Florida). While we were there, the nearby town of Les Saintes Maries de la Mer had its annual influx of Gypsies, who had come to venerate the relics of one of their patronesses.

I must confess that Gypsy History is something I know next to nothing about. There isn’t a whole lot of information available online, and thanks to living in Rome when I was a kid, I have a built in racist fear of gypsy women, whose commitment to petty crime made taking the bus downtown a dangerous adventure — one strategy involved exposing their mesmerizingly pendulous breasts of Eurasia while their impish dóttir stole your purse. Anyway, I saw a lot of t_sc_gypsy.jpgGypsy Teen Roadtrip Angst in Les Saintes Maries; fifteen year-olds from Spain, dragged by their mom and dad to wash the bones of some saint in the ocean — squabbling, getting new piercings, furtively smoking cigarettes while their grandmother napped in a folding chair by the beach. Also: buying many single-blade razors; I wasn’t sure what that whole thing was about. I wonder what the way to learn more about Roma culture might be; is it best accessed area-by-area (as in, Gypsies in Romania, Gypsies in Spain) or is it best treated as a comprehensive, if migratory, whole?

Right by the entrance to the farm, a man had set up a farmstand selling local products – some fresh, most canned. He also sold a delicious bull sausage, and one afternoon, dispatched to town to buy fennel, I stopped in to ask him a few questions about the bull meat. His accent was so severe and southern – and I think that Occitan, rather than French, was his mother tongue – that I was completely taken aback; it was similar, I suppose, to the way the woman at the gas station in Phenix City, Alabama had spoken to me a month and a half ago, but, wow. Occitan.

I was thinking about a moment when an Italian composer friend and I were, for mysterious reasons, in North Carolina, and we pulled over at a Dunkin’ Donuts for a coffee. The woman at the counter took our order, and asked me, “Yewanna Lee?” At that moment, my brain went into panic mode: I had no idea what she was saying. I wasn’t sure what the proper thing to say would be – if it was just a pleasantry, could I get away with smiling? Should I ask her to repeat herself? She raised her eyebrows expectantly: she needed and answer! She repeated: Lee? Yewanna lee? Horror, mortification. There is nothing worse than feeling like you cannot understand somebody; everybody loses in that situation. Eventually, I figured out through pantomime that she was only asking if I wanted a lid for my coffee (although, come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever been asked that before; who wouldn’t want a lid for their take-out coffee?). At least this didn’t happen.

I wish that American accents were more politically loaded; it makes for such interesting relationships. I speak in a very neutral accent that could belong to anybody from New York, L.A., possibly Chicago although in the midwest you tend to hear vowels beginning to flatten in a specific way. My father speaks similarly, although he has a few flagella left from his parents’ thick and honest 1940’s Philadelphia. My mother’s accent is more neutralized than mine, even, although it bears the trace of French in the ends of words, in the rhythms. As the child, there isn’t much you can do with that; it’s sort of the rental car of accents. Growing up in Vermont, my best friends were all raised by English people – themselves army children, with partially northern, partially Cornish accents. While I knew people with Vermont accents, it would be pastichey and inappropriate for me to pronounce a word like “pasture” or “tractor” in that fashion.

In Providence, bougie kids like me are shielded from the true Rhode Island Accent, the exception being dental hygienists and the men who teach Drivers’ Education. In drivers’ ed, I would spend hours with my notebook, jotting down pearls of language: “potihuhbodi” (Part of her Body) or “obbligati’by lore” (Obligated by Law). The Rhode Island accent is one of the few American accents of my acquaintance that takes full advantage of an almost Arabic glottal stop, as in “she’s a wicked underrati’ actress.” One of the delights of the universe is the show Family Guy, in which even Lois (the mother of the central family, said to have been born to a wealthy, Old-Money style family in Newport) has a thick, joyful Rhode Island accent. I am secretly jealous of my friends Will, Adam, Molly and Bentley, who have maintained their Southern accents despite years of living in New York.

All of this is to say, nothing quite prepared me for the wonders of Sicilian! After a week in the Camargue, Antony and I decamped to the house of Franco Battiato, a wonderful (and seemingly mad famous) musician from Catania. He lives in a small town 45 minutes from the airport called Milo, which is 800 meters above sea level, and another 1000 meters from the point on Mt. Etna where cars are forbidden, lest they be swept away by slow-moving lava. The lava situation: unreal. All habitation stops, and there are no streets and therefore no light of any kind on the top of the mountain at night. When you drive around at night, you see dark sky all around, with a thin, pulsating scar of bright orange suspended in the air, pulsating: Belshazzar’s Feast, Angels in America: a flaming glyph! I couldn’t take pictures, really, which is probably for the best.

I spent the first few nights falling asleep while reading Thomas Mallon’s Fellow Travellers, which, speaking of Angels in America, deals with a gay couple during McCarthy’s investigations; I picked it up as is my wont in a last-minute book shopping spree at McNally-Robinson near the studio, and I was surprisingly touched by it. How much am I, as an American, expected to know about that period of history? gorr600span.jpgI don’t think I ever studied the 50’s in school, particularly not in high school; I remember my parents making oblique references, but they were just kids then anyway, and who knows the ways in which their memories are clouded by time and their own parents’ political leanings. I recall making it through highschool without ever really studying the Vietnam War, either (partially due to a scheduling conflict one year, and then my own back-door negotiations to avoid having to take it with a particularly officious teacher).

A key narrative device in Fellow Travellers is a series of correspondences between our Eager, Catholic (and also gay) hero and a kindly, possibly communist, straight reporter for The Nation called Wodeforde; the book describes them as “sexless but affectionate;” now that a slightly modified version of the same is true of my life, I have to catch up with the following periods of American History: The Declaration of Independence, McCarthyism, The Korean War, The Vietnam War, Alger Hiss. I wonder what to do now; I fear the American history section of the bookstore so much, with those ominous fonts and embossed pictures of canons on wheels. What I actually want is for Stanley Fish to become like Simon Schama for political thought, and make some genius series of DVD’s covering all my lacunæ vis à vis American History, complete with little blue “closed-caption” bubbles in the lower left popping up with, like, Dinesh D’Souza or similar upp in.

Wodeforde –> Wodehouse. I picked up another book in my last-minute (we are talking “with my bags in hand on the way to the airport) which advertised itself as “P.G. Wodehouse working in an office.” In fact, strangely, Vendela Vida, who wrote Let The Northern Lights Erase Your Name (Great title, great book) blurbed it thus,” If P.G. Wodehouse worked in a modern-day office, he might have written this hilarious book.” Weird blurb, but good book. Personal Days, by Ed Park. It reads in about .2 seconds and is great for short legs of trips, and killing flies (the smudges of six or seven of them are obscuring Helen De Witt’s blurb — whoever did the PR for this book gets a gold star). How does it work, do people just send shit to Helen De Witt in Berlin and she writes the blurb? I don’t know why they don’t ask writers to blurb music. I’ma ask her to listen to Mothertongue. God knows I thought about The Last Samurai all the time while I was writing it; I also, during the last leg of production for it, fell asleep on the circle line in London on purpose after eating a breakfast that must have cost $200.

Some things I have recently eaten: many fritters. Anna, Franco’s cook, is the Mistress of the Fritter. We had fennel fritters, thick slices of fennel dusted with egg, cheese, breadcrumbs, and fried. We had creamed cauliflower fritters, where cauliflower purée was mixed with egg, breadcrumbs, parsley, and fried. Zucchini fritters. Eggplant fritters. Arancini, which are rice balls filled (in this case) with peas and tomato, deep fried. Zucchini blossom and ricotta fritters, dusted with powdered sugar.

Our host in Sicily is vegetarian, as is Antony; I wish we had reversed the order of the trip, because I was so inspired by all the totally veg meals coming out of Franco’s kitchen (although there was always some random and delicious cutlet being thrust in my direction, and one time, a bowl of poached chicken). I knew it was going to be a good week when our first lunch was whole-grain thick spaghetti with a sauce of mushy broccoli rabe and cheese. The week before, we were very much left to our own devices in the Camargue, and were additionally at the mercy of the old-school Euro schedule of things – where supermarkets are open for, like, ten seconds a day and if you miss your window, tough luck. There were a lot of meals in the variety of, “garlic + olive oil + the baking dish + this vegetable” which are, of course, delicious, but basically what I’m saying is that I should have bought more parsley and made more fritters.